Preacher's Donkey
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man
that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the
donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to
say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the
animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!"
shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off,
very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he
headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the
donkey stop.
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept
going.
"Oh, no..."
"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey
just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the
edge of the cliff.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear
Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this
mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of
the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.
BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER:
Working With God
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to
turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with
weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are
collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless
the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this
the farm of your dreams!"A few months later, the preacher stops by
again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely
different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in
excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock
happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are
filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher
says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
like when God was working it alone!"
BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER:
Taking Faith Healing Too
Far
A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along.
"They're all fine," Moshe said, "Except my uncle. He's very
sick."
"Your uncle is not sick," the faith healer said. "He THINKS he's
sick."
Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street.
"How is your uncle getting along?" he asked.
Moshe shrugged, "He THINKS he's dead."
BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER:
How Do You Get To
Heaven?
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all
my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the
children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept
everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again the answer was, "NO!""Well, then, if I was kind to animals
and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that
get me into heaven?" I asked them again.
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more
theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then
how can I get into heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER:
Big Mouth!
A Jewish gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and
pointed to a tray. "I'll have a pound of that salmon," he said.
"That's not salmon," the clerk said. "It's ham."
"Mister," the customer snapped, "in case nobody ever told you, you
got a big mouth!"
BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER:
Saving a Bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day
experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and
preach to it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and
has various bandages, goes first.
"Wellll," he says, in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th'
wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread
to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted
naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed
me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a
lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst
communion und confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm
and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and
brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we
don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And
then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear
wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do
with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled
down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a
crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like
you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in
fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running
in and out of him.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is
until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER:
West 11th Packaging and Shipping
